Tag Archives: love

Sigh… And Cry…

As I begin to write this, I am sitting in the car with my 5 year old autistic son. It’s the 4th of July, which means fireworks and panic for this sweet boy. Three of my boys are with their dad, or who knows… the heartache of divorce… 

I’m okay sitting in the car with my little boy.

I’m coming to terms with a failed marriage (twice attempted, twice failed, with the same person).

What should matter is my children, my relationship with them and moving forward. And what should not matter is the negative flurry of slander, hate and anger behind me. 

But it does. 

It hurts. It hurts real bad. And I hate giving power to that pain by acknowledging it… But I guess healing comes with acceptance of pain and failure. 

I have seven children. Two of my boys are autistic, my 16 and 5 year old. The oldest has grown to be such a delightful young man. He is smart, humble, quiet, gentle and kind. My 5 year old is still struggling through his emotions and anxieties, and this is also a great struggle for me. It’s hard to reach him at times and even harder to calm him in the midst of his “moments.”

What’s also hard is the backlash I have received from those closest to me.  My family seems to only be able to tolerate the older children in doses, and the youngest three scarcely at all. They are quick to point out my short comings as a parent… even quicker to jump on the backs of these three for simply being children. 

And then there is my ex husband’s side of the family… although only his parents have ever come to visit – and no more than a week a year, at most – there certainly wasn’t a shortage of pure evil, hateful messages from the siblings (who have NEVER visited in 16 years and never met the younger FIVE children). Thankfully, I’ve been able to keep a mostly loving and positive communication with his parents. As for the others, I should be strong enough to dismiss their unfounded judgment and just focus on the beautiful, innocent faces in front of me. 

But it’s hard. Real hard. 

I wonder… do my parents, his parents, [some of] my siblings and his siblings, random acquaintances, etc, ever stop to remove the log from their own eyes? Do they really think that through their actions they are lifting up a woman and her children? Or worse, are they trying to bring her to her breaking point?

I may be weak. They may hurt me a lot. But they will not break me. Let me be clear on that. They can block my messages and not make eye contact in church. They may say all manner of things behind my back – deserved or undeserved. They may try to turn my own children against me with their poison. Yes, they can do all this and more, while pretending to be righteous, saying their morning and evening prayers daily…

Meanwhile, I struggle to pray, struggle to bring my children to church. I wake up daily and make my kids food adherent to a diet for those on the spectrum. I cry and work through the tantrums of the little ones. I struggled for 8 years to home educate because I felt it was best for my kids. I try to help a very moody and emotional, freshly-minted teenager navigate through his complex emotions and new life changes. All the while, trying very hard not to let myself succumb to the negativity and hatred from those I love the most, outside my children.

Sigh… And cry…

Life is always a struggle. One beautiful struggle after another. And if I can come out of one, I trust that God will carry me and mine through the next battle. 

And when I cannot pray because in that moment my faith is lost, I hope that God sees me through those moments as well. 

And when I want to hate in return those who have hurt me over and over again, I beg that God give me the patience and love not to do so. 

After all, none of us are in any place to judge another. My struggles may be unbearable for many, but for sure, there are so many families in the world who face much worse. 

We are all broken. And those of us brave enough to admit that are just trying to find our footing each day. 

At the moment, it’s sitting in the car with my sweet boy so he feels safe with me from the noise of the fireworks… tomorrow I don’t know. 


Happy Days

When life is chaotic and uncertain, it’s important to be thankful for the beautiful things (or people) we’re surrounded by. They are easy to overlook, especially in difficult times. 

Deer in our backyard!

Turning boxes into forts ๐Ÿ™‚

Peanut butter and jelly – yummy and fun!

Sister time, just missing one ๐Ÿ’•

What do I say? I appreciate his love for bugs that I’ll never have!

And that love he’s passed on to his brothers…

Thank God for family ๐Ÿ’œ

Nap time with Grandpa.

Eager helpers ๐Ÿ‘


Happy Thanksgiving!

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A Boy and His Dog (Another Picture Story)

Here is my adorable, always smiling one year old:

m2My sister and brother in law have been spending a lot of time with us, and as a result, so have their puppies:

two beautiful Great Pyrenees siblings:

m3This little boy LOVES these dogs.ย  It’s torture for him to be pulled in at night for bedtime.ย  He would literally sleep on the dogs, if allowed…

6 5 47Last year, during our chaotic move, we left our dog with my sister until we could take her back again.ย  And today, my brother in law brought her home!!ย  The kids could not be happier… especially my littlest boy.ย  He sweetly brought them all his beloved ball to share ๐Ÿ™‚

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Saying Goodbye to Mom

Today starts a new normal as the kids and I waved goodbye to Mom/Grandma. She is always such a God send when I have a new baby, giving of herself tirelessly.

She arrived Tuesday, a little over two weeks ago, for the birth of my seventh child. Since then, she took care of the other kids, cooked every meal, cleaned, took them to the parks, library, pool, splash playground and ran various errands for the family.

While I have a beautiful new baby girl to love forever, there is an empty feeling now that my mom has left.

Thank you, Mommy, for everything you’ve done and continue to do for our family!

Thank you, Daddy for your visits, hanging out with the older boys and taking them on cool trips! My kids are so blessed to have you both in their lives!ย  And thank you, Dad, for lending us Mom ๐Ÿ˜‰

Here is my daughter’s thank you card:

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Special Words

Also posted on my other site: Homeschooling the Minds of Tomorrow

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My sweet, babbling, mostly non – verbal three year old…. I love him so much. I feel we’ve had a difficult few weeks. Perhaps all the rain and lack of adequate outdoor time has stressed him out. Perhaps his inability to communicate effectively is frustrating him more lately. Regardless, he has had many melt downs that have brought us both to tears. I admit I’ve dreaded going places with him because it has seemed a melt down was inevitable. Yet in between, he is gentle and loving and sweet.

Tonight, he called from upstairs, “Mom!” Usually when he calls for me and I answer, he babbles something in his little language and I make up a reply. But tonight when I answered, he said the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard from him: “I love you!”

He has only said it one other time. After three and a half years of tucking him in and telling him I love him, once he repeated me. It was very special. But tonight, it was completely on his own. I ran up to him, scooped him into my arms and held him.


The Many Faces of Love

Since it’s almost Valentine’s Day, I’m sharing the love!

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