Change, starting over, life, repeat. And then again. And again. I think this is normal, or at least normal for me.
I have been absent on this platform for awhile now. I can chalk that up to the aforementioned mini-list that is my life. Marriage, children, divorce, relocations, etc. I think I am paraphrasing from the movie The Edge when I say, “Challenges never come in the form or manner in which we expect…” But it is through those unexpected challenges that we are supposed to grow as a person. I’m going to go with that, as an alternative thought process would be a bit too depressing for me to digest.
As a mommy of 7 children, who I homeschooled and was a stay at home mom to for most of their lives, the idea of them not being with me while still minors was not something I ever would have imagined. Yet, here I am. Sitting alone in an apartment ten minutes away from my children, picking up the pieces of my life and starting over. As with any major life change, it is daunting, to say the least. Looking for work, seeing them as much as possible, all while battling depression that is, at many times, debilitating. Then there are the ancillary fallouts from my life’s recent directions: the nearly lost relationships with my siblings and parents. It is NOT EASY. I cannot stress that statement enough.
I am sure I am not alone in my struggles. I am sure that other moms have had to leave their kids to get back on their own feet after a divorce. But to be clear, I did not actually leave them: all 7 are with their dad and are doing well, for the most part. And I see them as much as possible. The recent loss of my car has made that a little more difficult, although I am very grateful to their father for facilitating visits with them.
I have been open recently in conversations about my struggles and my depression, although I do not think I have ever used this platform to convey that reality. I wanted to share that now in case there are any other readers out there going through similar struggles. Struggles that caught us completely off-guard, or those that we “signed up for” and are simply navigating.
There have been so many days in the last few years that I think I cannot possibly take any more. No more challenges, PLEASE, let me deal with these first! Yet, they seem to keep coming. As a mom, I have had to act stronger than I am many times. I did that for years until I all but had a nervous breakdown a few years back. Then another one when we relocated to Arizona. Then another when that marriage also failed and I found myself for the first time in my life alone. As I previously said, perhaps there is some growth that is supposed to happen through all of this, or some sort of spiritual path I need to find or be on. Regardless, it does not make the pain and suffering much easier to digest.
I hope to be able to return to crazy kid antics soon, but for now, I wanted to get this out there for anyone else who may be struggling.